like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
