Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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