Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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