Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
