i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
