Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
