Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
