Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
