turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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