Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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