I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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