____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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