Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
