swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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