So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
