There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
