Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
