apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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