i already hear my dad disowning me
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Everclear isn't food dammit
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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