I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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