We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
