So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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