Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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