jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
