my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
