Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
