I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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