I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
