At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
