And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
