my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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