so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
