I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
how does that bad decision feel?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
