I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
