Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
