So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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