Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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