i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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