He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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