Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
