woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
