I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
