I think i peed on brittanys purse
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
