you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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