Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
