She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
