I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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