You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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