Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
