sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Never underestimate the power of titties
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
