dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He felt like a one man threesome
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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