It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
